For two days now, I’ve been trying to think of what I wanted to write in this post. But it hasn’t been coming to me…so I figured I’d just start typing and see what comes out.
On Monday, September 29, 2014 I called the vet’s office first thing in the morning about bringing Kender in for fluid therapy and syringe feeding. I’d read up on kidney disease and learned cats can crash and be at the brink but get pulled back. I think way deep down I knew it was hopeless, but also knew I’d forever beat myself up wondering if I was right if I didn’t try. Either choice I made, I knew I’d have regrets if she died. If she died at the vet, I’d regret not spending as much time with her on her last day. If she died at home, I knew I’d regret not giving treatment a chance. So I took her in…
She looked so awful. She was cold and listless, mostly unresponsive. But she meowed when I first put her in the carrier. She was quiet the whole car ride. I pointed the heater vents toward her carrier to try to keep her warm…autumn weather has arrived and it got quite chilly overnight. She gave me another little meow when I parked the car…she survived the car ride at least.
I got the kids out of their seats and brought Kender inside. Gave her a quick pet before they took her to the back…I wish I’d done more then. I was filling out the drop off form when someone came up front and brought us to a room, saying our vet wanted to speak with us before we left. I knew what she was going to say…she’s dying. She came in and talked to me…Kender was really bad off….her kidney numbers from a few days before had likely worsened, and they were practically hopeless before…she was totally lifeless and the vet wondered if she was even alive when taking her out of her carrier…her temperature was very low (only 91F). I still couldn’t give up on her. So she said they would use heated blankets and a heating pad for her to try to bring her temp up…warm the fluids before administering them…give her an anti-nausea med through her IV and attempt to feed her. I had another appointment for my other cat, Dalamar, that afternoon at 4:00pm. I would check on her and visit with her then.
I texted my husband at work, a mess of emotions (warning: graphic language)…questioning everything I’d done for her and feeling like crap that at times I let money be such a factor when making decisions for her.
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur…anxiously watching my phone, hoping they didn’t call because I knew it would be bad news. Luckily, I had two small children to keep me occupied until our appointment that afternoon. I kept reading up on kidney disease. I read a section on signs that the end was near and Kender had most of the symptoms…but it also kept saying over and over that if your cat was just diagnosed and showing those signs that treatment might help and should be given a chance. My husband was going to head to the vet’s when he got off work at 3:30, so that he could take the kids to play while I was at the vet with Dalamar. He passed me just as I was getting off the freeway…oh good, I wasn’t going to have to wait for him to get there.
At 3:53pm, I was at the stop light just up the street from the vet’s office, when I heard my phone ringing in my purse. Took a peek at it while waiting for the light to change…it was the office. Hurried there and parked the car. As I was unbuckling my youngest, my phone rang again…3:55pm…
“I’m in your parking lot right now.” “You need to hurry inside.” “Ok, be right there.”
Told my husband they needed me…he’d have to get the kids out. Raced inside where one of the techs was waiting for me. She told me it wasn’t looking good…Kender wouldn’t be here much longer. I asked how bad it was…if I should let the kids be there. She said Kender was having trouble breathing…it might be scary for the kids. So back I went to see her while she was still with this world. Our vet was there…she said the agonal breathing had just stopped and her heart rate was only at 40 bpm. I went straight to her. Somehow she seemed to have gotten even smaller in the time she had been there. Her pupils took up almost the entire eye. “Goodbye, kid. I love you so much and I’m so very sorry. I’ll miss you so much.” The vet said something…I can’t remember now…about euthanasia. I consented and she gave her the meds through her IV. I stroked her head as she took her last breaths and her heart beat its last beats. My husband and kids came back just afterwards. I felt slightly bad…because my oldest had asked to be there if she was put to sleep…and said she wanted to have her favorite toy kitty, Calico, with Kender as she died to give Kender comfort (she’s 6 and insists that all of her kitties are real…don’t dare call them stuffed). But she didn’t know Kender had already gotten the meds…she brought Calico to Kender’s head and told her good bye and gave her loves. I let her know Kender was dead now. My 1.5 year old said “hi Kitty!” and gave her a pet. We told her kitty was going bye bye. She said “bye bye” to her. I had my husband take them out. The techs were going to remove Kender’s IV and get her ready to be taken home while Dalamar got his exam.
I really think she knew I was getting close…that she was holding on until she could say goodbye. That isn’t at all how I wanted her to go, but I’m so thankful that I got to be there when her time came…that I got to say goodbye. I miss her so much…but I know that time will help….just as it has with all the other furbabies I’ve lost in the past. In the next few days, I hope to follow up with how things went with Dalamar and share more memories and pictures of Kender…
Such a lovely, lovely picture of sweet Kender. The little heart with wings you put on there’m is very sweet…just like Kender.
Thank you for sharing y i ur thought process with us. It helps us all to think we aren’t totally alone with those crazy “wudda’- shudda’- worthless thoughts. They keep us from remembering all of the thousands and thousands of happy days that truly defined our relationship with our furbabies.
Oh, and no apologies for the “language”. There are no words yet strong enough to describe the agony we go through when our loved ones transition!
Kender did hold on for n you…that’s how strongnyour bond was…she knew you were on your way. She wanted to make sure she gave you..and herself…that gift. I know it brings you comfort.
Your children are very compassionate souls…they must take after their mom!
You gave her a chance…and she was comfortable as she was completing her transition.
And yes, there are some times when all the treatments they were throwing at Kender turn things around…rare, but it happens. IF…IF…it was going to happen with Kender there would have been indications..lr at the very least..stable….it was not meant to be…we just jave to accept that there are just things medicine cannot do when it’s their time.
Yes, you will adjust and the thousands ofnhap p y memories will eventually push the sadness to the side. But it takes awhile…too darn long…but it does happen.
We are all family and we all understand how a tripawd gets intomour hearts like no other. PLEASE, PLEASE stay connected. Share more pics and stories of Kender when you can. Look forward to hearing more about Dalamar too!! You have a wonderful Guardian Angel watching over all of you now.
Thanks again for posting today. Woould love to hear more about Kender personality wise! She is a fighter, we already know that!
Hugs and love to all!
Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle
Thank you, Sally! Your words are always so comforting. I’ve been digging through old pictures to share. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to make a post and share them this weekend.
And I’m sure I’ll have lots to share about Dalamar in the future, since we are just beginning his battle with kidney disease. I hope it’s okay that I share some of that on this blog in the future. There are kidney disease sites out there, but I already feel connected and comfortable with you all here. With Kender’s loss so fresh and now this, I don’t have it in me to search out a new community when I’ve already found such a great one here.
I’m so sorry that I missed all of this happening. I’ve been putting in crazy hours volunteering at the shelter, I’ve been so disconnected.
I’m so sorry and so sad. I don’t blame you (and I know Kender doesn’t blame you) for any of your woulda, coulda, shoulda thoughts. I can’t even imagine what I would do in that situation, and I have experience in animal medicine!
Please continue to share with us. You’re a member of our family now!
Melinda thank you so much for sharing this. I could feel the raw emotions in everything you wrote and I can’t imagine how hard it was for you. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your girl. My heart breaks for you. She was obviously an important member of your family and is now watching over you all.
I am sending tons of love, hugs and strength.
xoxo,
Erica
Oh wow, I just now had a chance to read about your last day together and I’m so sorry. You are such an awesome momma, please don’t beat yourself up, you did what you had to do and everything worked out as it needed to. It sucks that you had to say goodbye so quickly, but Kender did know you were there and she felt loved and wrapped in your warm embrace when she left this earth. No kitty could ask for more.
I know your heart must be hurting and I feel for you. I hope that as you continue to share stories about her and celebrate your good times here and with your family that you will find comfort and solace. My heart goes out to you. Lots of hugs coming your way.
P.S. Thank you again for sharing Kender’s journey here, you have made such a difference in this world for families who are facing the same situation. Thank you for giving them hope and inspawration, always.