For two days now, I’ve been trying to think of what I wanted to write in this post. But it hasn’t been coming to me…so I figured I’d just start typing and see what comes out.
On Monday, September 29, 2014 I called the vet’s office first thing in the morning about bringing Kender in for fluid therapy and syringe feeding. I’d read up on kidney disease and learned cats can crash and be at the brink but get pulled back. I think way deep down I knew it was hopeless, but also knew I’d forever beat myself up wondering if I was right if I didn’t try. Either choice I made, I knew I’d have regrets if she died. If she died at the vet, I’d regret not spending as much time with her on her last day. If she died at home, I knew I’d regret not giving treatment a chance. So I took her in…
She looked so awful. She was cold and listless, mostly unresponsive. But she meowed when I first put her in the carrier. She was quiet the whole car ride. I pointed the heater vents toward her carrier to try to keep her warm…autumn weather has arrived and it got quite chilly overnight. She gave me another little meow when I parked the car…she survived the car ride at least.
I got the kids out of their seats and brought Kender inside. Gave her a quick pet before they took her to the back…I wish I’d done more then. I was filling out the drop off form when someone came up front and brought us to a room, saying our vet wanted to speak with us before we left. I knew what she was going to say…she’s dying. She came in and talked to me…Kender was really bad off….her kidney numbers from a few days before had likely worsened, and they were practically hopeless before…she was totally lifeless and the vet wondered if she was even alive when taking her out of her carrier…her temperature was very low (only 91F). I still couldn’t give up on her. So she said they would use heated blankets and a heating pad for her to try to bring her temp up…warm the fluids before administering them…give her an anti-nausea med through her IV and attempt to feed her. I had another appointment for my other cat, Dalamar, that afternoon at 4:00pm. I would check on her and visit with her then.
I texted my husband at work, a mess of emotions (warning: graphic language)…questioning everything I’d done for her and feeling like crap that at times I let money be such a factor when making decisions for her.
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur…anxiously watching my phone, hoping they didn’t call because I knew it would be bad news. Luckily, I had two small children to keep me occupied until our appointment that afternoon. I kept reading up on kidney disease. I read a section on signs that the end was near and Kender had most of the symptoms…but it also kept saying over and over that if your cat was just diagnosed and showing those signs that treatment might help and should be given a chance. My husband was going to head to the vet’s when he got off work at 3:30, so that he could take the kids to play while I was at the vet with Dalamar. He passed me just as I was getting off the freeway…oh good, I wasn’t going to have to wait for him to get there.
At 3:53pm, I was at the stop light just up the street from the vet’s office, when I heard my phone ringing in my purse. Took a peek at it while waiting for the light to change…it was the office. Hurried there and parked the car. As I was unbuckling my youngest, my phone rang again…3:55pm…
“I’m in your parking lot right now.” “You need to hurry inside.” “Ok, be right there.”
Told my husband they needed me…he’d have to get the kids out. Raced inside where one of the techs was waiting for me. She told me it wasn’t looking good…Kender wouldn’t be here much longer. I asked how bad it was…if I should let the kids be there. She said Kender was having trouble breathing…it might be scary for the kids. So back I went to see her while she was still with this world. Our vet was there…she said the agonal breathing had just stopped and her heart rate was only at 40 bpm. I went straight to her. Somehow she seemed to have gotten even smaller in the time she had been there. Her pupils took up almost the entire eye. “Goodbye, kid. I love you so much and I’m so very sorry. I’ll miss you so much.” The vet said something…I can’t remember now…about euthanasia. I consented and she gave her the meds through her IV. I stroked her head as she took her last breaths and her heart beat its last beats. My husband and kids came back just afterwards. I felt slightly bad…because my oldest had asked to be there if she was put to sleep…and said she wanted to have her favorite toy kitty, Calico, with Kender as she died to give Kender comfort (she’s 6 and insists that all of her kitties are real…don’t dare call them stuffed). But she didn’t know Kender had already gotten the meds…she brought Calico to Kender’s head and told her good bye and gave her loves. I let her know Kender was dead now. My 1.5 year old said “hi Kitty!” and gave her a pet. We told her kitty was going bye bye. She said “bye bye” to her. I had my husband take them out. The techs were going to remove Kender’s IV and get her ready to be taken home while Dalamar got his exam.
I really think she knew I was getting close…that she was holding on until she could say goodbye. That isn’t at all how I wanted her to go, but I’m so thankful that I got to be there when her time came…that I got to say goodbye. I miss her so much…but I know that time will help….just as it has with all the other furbabies I’ve lost in the past. In the next few days, I hope to follow up with how things went with Dalamar and share more memories and pictures of Kender…
